Saturday, June 12, 2004

 

A Lexicon Of Terminology Used In Consulting

BOHICA - Bend over, here it comes again. Commonly used whenever some executive communication comes down about an "improvement" or change. At one time the root password on an NFS server at a Large Financial Institution

Subject Matter Expert - 1. Bullshit artist 2. The only person in the practice who actually knows how to do a specific job

Best Practices - What everybody else is doing.

Current Practices - A term that your risk managers will require you to use instead of Best Practices because of the potential for a lawsuit if something goes wrong.

Partner (verb) - A business arrangement where one party takes all the risk of something going wrong and absolutely no credit the project goes well

Partner (noun) - 1. A former Subject Matter Expert or someone who knew at one time how to solve major tactical and strategic business problems, and who is now caught up into the Esoteric Law as practiced by the company to the extent that most of their pronunciations are generalizations straight out of the Management Best Seller List. 2. A former Subject Matter Expert who knows how to walk the halls of his clients and pester people into buying services

Project Manager - Someone who knows absolutely nothing about how the project is actually supposed to be implemented, but waves his or her PMI certification proudly. Usually semi-competent in Microsoft Project

Project Plan - Fiction

Resource-Leveled Project Plan - Science Fiction

Deck - A Powerpoint presentation used to communicate critical issues or hard-sell pitches to people who do not want to see or talk to you

Spreadsheet - A tool used for everything but crunching numbers

Solution Set - A pathetic attempt to find some niche that no other partner can claim is in their bailiwick

Solution - A problem waiting to happen

Business Development Manager - Someone who gets carte blanche to do whatever he wants until he gets found out

Knowledge Management - Librarian

Dimension - Pigeonhole

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