Sunday, February 20, 2005
OLYMPICS GO HOME
88 things the International Olympic Committee should know about New York City before making a decision about 2012.
1. We already have an "Olympic Shooting Center" in the Bronx. It's called the Bronx.
2. When the Olympic Village isn't completed on time, we're going to overcharge you to sublet our shitty tenement one-bedroom.
3. They can hide the dirty homeless people from you while you're here visiting, but hiding them for two full weeks during the Games will be nigh on impossible.
4. We already gave the rest of America an excuse to become flag-waving idiots.
6. Better get a permit for all those velodrome events. The last time a bunch of bicyclists got together for a ride, the cops arrested them and took away their bikes.
7. Think Munich, writ large.
8. When "9/11" was brought up on every other page in the city's proposal, didn't that set off a few alarms?
10. It's going to cost a fortune to paint the black sprinters orange to keep the police from shooting them.
12. Astoria will smell like burning goats for two weeks if the Greeks win any medals.
13. Christo has plans to wrap the Olympic Village in four million square feet of Fruit Roll-Ups.
15. No matter what the mayor promises you, he can't get rid of the pee smell.
16. Three-quarters of the audience at the women's uneven parallel bar competition will be in violation of Megan's Law.
17. No, Queens is not "just minutes from Times Square!"
18. You obviously weren't around for the Puerto Rican Day parade.
19. The only fencing our mayor enjoys is the kind around his mansion.
20. You sure you have the right place? We're New York—two syllables. Newark is that way, just across the river.
21. All participants at events in the "Olympic Aquatic Center at Williamsburg Waterfront Park" will be required to compete while dressed up as characters from John Hughes movies.
22. We can't even keep New Jersey from sneaking in every Friday night. And terrorists are a lot smarter than people from New Jersey.
24. If you hold the opening or closing ceremonies at Ground Zero, we're going to kick your pan-ethnic asses.
26. Our much-vaunted peaceful diversity is just waiting for an excuse to be riven to bits by interethnic jingoistic hoopla.
27. Don't count on those softball, cycling and equestrian centers; we're kicking Staten Island out in the next referendum.
28. We can't let anyone run through our streets with a torch. We did that back in the 70s.
29. You think Athens had corrupt contractors? Ever hired a union plumber in this city?
30. Mayor Bloomberg is working on a deal to make the Clear Channel logo the sixth ring on the Olympic logo.
31. Tickets for Nathan Lane in Pole Vault: The Musical will be impossible to get.
32. The Chinese won't come. Too many Falun Gong members walking around freely.
33. The MTA's garbled loudspeakers will not be fixed by 2012.
34. Mayor Bloomberg is not actually authorized to convert Ellis Island into a "world-class ice creamery and sandwich stand" for the duration of the Olympics.
37. That $12 billion in projected revenue will be spent on postcards printed in China, t-shirts woven in Malaysia and venti mocha coconut frappuccinos made by the sovereign nation of Starbucks. That doesn't really help us.
41. They're going to complete the Freedom Tower in 2008, which means you'll be too early for the five-year memorial of its destruction.
42. Athletes need to pay another $5 to go back on that stupid Air Train. What kind of city builds a shitty monorail, then overcharges everyone to use it?
43. When the white doves are released, they're gonna get mauled by our pigeons.
45. Your 10-to-one Euro-to-dollar exchange rate will go further in, say, Boise.
46. "Bloomberg would sell his first-born to bring the Olympics to New York City" was just a figure of speech.
47. We already have enough Wall Street jackasses filling the sports bars. We don't need Wall Street-style jackasses from every other financial district in the world to converge here all at once.
48. There aren't enough weed-delivery services to go around. The Dutch teams alone…
49. Most visitors won't be allowed on the island—we have a law banning tourists wearing white socks with sandals.
50. Every time the Ecuadorian soccer team sits down for a meal, they'll be sent back to help in the kitchen.
52. Even in 2012, the Apple store still won't have any iPod Shuffles in stock.
55. You'll be riding the 7 train back and forth. Ever ride the 7 train during rush hour?
56. Have you noticed that about eight million people are already crammed into an area the size of a backyard in Sweden?
57. Our cab drivers won't have time to learn "fuck you" in 200 languages. Their current 34 may not suffice.
60. Strip-club blowjobs will be priced triple during the Olympic fortnight.
62. Our piss-test labs are already backed up with the government-employee samples.
63. Mayor Bloomberg's post-Olympic plans call for a New York Public School Battle Royale 2013, to be held in the new stadium.
65. All those Japanese tourists taking photos on the subway will be arrested.
66. Don't believe the mayor's press secretary: "Sucker" is not a term of endearment that Mayor Bloomberg "uses with his good friends and future business partners."
67. A drunken-fireman brawl will inevitably result in four-alarm torch tragedy.
68. We're going to be even grouchier.
70. The Olympic Village will be converted into homes that 18,000 working-class New Yorkers can't afford.
71. We aren't anything like those smiling hippies on the billboards. Not deep down, we're not.
72. Holding the water ballet events in the surf off Coney Island is a very bad idea.
73. We really must insist on speaking to the good people of Athens before we sign anything.
75. The mayor is just doing this on account of some petty, personal grudge.
76. Before you make any decisions, try to get across town on any weekday afternoon.
78. Athletes will be contractually obligated to drink nothing but Snapple.
80. After the mayor tells you about the subway extension that will make getting to the stadium quick and easy, we suggest you call the MTA and ask them how work on the 2nd Ave. subway is coming along.
81. The only thing we liked about the plan was the East River ferry system. And that's been killed.
85. We suggest you visit Queens before getting too excited about sticking an Olympic Village over there.
86. Never been here in the summer, have you?